TOP 5 UGLY CARS YOU HATE TO LOVE

Spend a few minutes as a sociologist and you'll quickly discover the most common method humans use to restrict themselves from emanating envy. To speak derogatorily about something or someone great is supposed to make you look less resentful that they have it and you don't.

Take houses as an example. About a kilometre from GoodCarBadCar Towers sits one of the grandest homes in the city, a multimillion-dollar mansion which holds many automobiles in its garages and has even hosted Renee Fleming for a birthday party. Driving a friend by this house, don't be surprised when, upon pointing it out to them, they snidely say, "Well, it's a nice home and everything but it's a little too garish and it is pink". Translated: "Man I wish that shack was mine."

Thus, for your reading pleasure, The Good Car Guy presents five vehicular equivalents with the critique and the critique translation.

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#5 - HUMMER H2: Passing Criticism "Like, why did they choose yellow? As if it didn't stand out enough? I bet they didn't even know that they never even used them in Eyerack. Plus it looks like a box but doesn't hold as much as a crate of milk. He's using all my gasoline, too".

Translation: "I want to go on a date with the owner of that thing, so long as the date starts at the beginning of the Rubicon Trail and ends somewheret a Lake Tahoe lodge".

#4 - MITSUBISHI LANCER EVO X: Passing Criticism: "Dude's girlfriend's teeth are falling out every time the right front wheel goes into a pothole. It's not even as fast as the old one. Why's the front end have to look like it's missing two front teeth? And the stupid car still looks like a freakin' Lancer".

Translation: "If I had that car my girlfriend might look like that, too. She would be so impressed by how quickly I could drift right into a parking spot in front of Lulu Lemon."

#3 - BMW M5: Passing Criticism: "Whoa, the old guy in the M5 is so ticked off at that stupid transmission. Weren't expecting that, were you mid-life crisis prisoner? He probably only uses the 400-horse setting and parks it in the garage all the time because he hates flame surfacing as much as the rest of us".

Translation: "BMW's M division knows how to design a wheel. It hurts me, y'all. That car is the everyman car that the everyman just can't flipping afford. I even kinda like those eyebrow headlights".

#2 - PORSCHE PANAMERA: Passing Criticism: "How can a Porsche be a four-door hatchback? They tried to make it look like it came from the same father as the 911. Except, wait a second. The 911 is cool and the Panamera is a boat."

Translation: "Is that not the greatest sedan of all time? Nobody can reject that kind of horsepower in that tight of a package with that sort of technology".

#1 - MAYBACH 62: Passing Criticism: "Okay, so it's an old S-Class Benz made to look like something only Donald Trump would want. Pay Rolls-Royce money for an old S-Class chassis with some go-fast parts and a get-ugly design. Yippee".

Translation: "If I make an extra 500 grand each year for the next 25 years I can probably get one. But I'd need the chauffeur, which probably means I need another 50 grand for the next 25 years. All cars should feature lounges in the back seat".